Memento Mori
I was talking with Dietrich this morning about Enoch as we read the book of Genesis. Enoch is mentioned simply in a long lineage, where after each name, their firstborn son, and the years they lived, it ends "And he died." When we reached Enoch, Dietrich said, "And he died." But that is not what it says. The passage reads, "God took him away." This got his attention. "I want God to take me," he said. He doesn't mean now; rather, he means instead of dying. So, we talked about how those who have been joined to Christ, when they physically die, live forever with Christ. But it struck me that even at a young age it is part of the human experience to fear death. Of course, we fear what we do not know and we fear losing the love felt between us and our loved ones.
Last week was the Feasts of All Saints and All Souls Day, a week that reminds us of our mortality. In our current culture, escaping—or at least delaying—death is the name of the game. We have pharmaceuticals, surgeries, and lifestyle tips to help you live as long as you can. Now, surely, we should all seek to be healthy. However, being healthy and avoiding death are not synonymous.
I was listening to a priest on YouTube talk about how, in his estimation, the Irish handle death better because they allow themselves to mourn. Mourning, as the priest sees it, is not the absence of hope it is the recognition of the love once shared. I know plenty of Christians who though they aren't trying to live forever also don't acknowledge death. Some think that if they are sad then they aren't believing enough in the promises of God. We have much to learn about mourning if this is a predominant view of Christians. Yes, we have hope in Christ, so while we mourn our mourning doesn't look like those who have no hope; however, it is important that we still grieve.
Within Scripture, we see examples of grieving in the Old Testament and in the New Testament books. In the Old Testament, to name a few examples, we have David grieving both in the book of 2 Samuel and in the Psalms. There are plenty of other Psalms from other authors talking about grieving. There is an entire book called Lamentations, mourning the destruction of Israel. In the New Testament, Christ is shown grieving the death of Lazarus even though he will resurrect him. And we are told that there will be a day when every tear will be wiped away, though that day is not today.
For all of the trauma counseling and psychology that we have seen in our modern day, we are still really bad at grieving. I was listening to a psychologist a few weeks ago on a podcast talking about how sending trauma and grief counselors into high schools right after a traumatic event is not helpful. The brain hasn't had time to process the event and sending counselors in immediately only increases PTSD because the students will have to process the trauma more fully at a later time. But that is our immediate gut reaction, to functionally say "Grief is bad and happiness should be the status quo." And because we don't know how to grieve, we don't know how to sit with someone grieving without dismissing their situation.
So how should we grieve? There is no right way or wrong way, per se. Acting out in sin is generally not a great idea and stuffing it down doesn't help. There is a time to get people to talk about things, but when trauma happens just being present is one of the most important parts. Sit with people and be a loving presence. There will always be time to speak later, not everything needs to be said now. Don't offer platitudes. If you are the one grieving, then allow yourself to grieve and have grace for yourself and others.
I am not writing this article to address any particular event or characteristic I have seen, nor do I intend to be unnecessarily morbid and morose. I am writing this because this often goes unsaid until you find yourself living it. Do yourself a favor and don't shy away from hard subjects. If you haven't talked to your family or your priest about your funeral arrangements there is no time like the present, no matter how old or young you are. Have it written down what you want your funeral to look like (i.e. do you want a graveside service, a Prayerbook burial service, a requiem mass, what hymns do you want, do you want to be cremated, etc.). Trust me, your family and your priest will appreciate that you have had those conversations now. And while you are at it, make sure your family knows to contact your priest before you die so he can offer you last rights. I promise, if it is me, I will not insert myself more than needed or desired into your final moments with your family. Having these things in order will allow them to grieve and that is a good thing.
Memento Mori (“Remember that you must die”),
Fr. Aaron